" Turning Tension To Trust"

The Key to Working Relationships that Work

Executive Summary: In our program for business owners and entrepreneurs, Total Integration™, Turning Tension to Trust is an essential system utilized for building a working life that works effectively and efficiently. In this article, we’ll look at strategic tools that empower you to minimize tension and ultimately turn it to trust, again and again.

Define The Terms

Tension – Barely controlled hostility or a strained relationship between people or groups.

Trust – To have or place confidence in; depend on; to expect with assurance; assume; to believe. The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition.

The main responsibility for tension and trust alike lies solely in you – not “them.” If you are to successfully handle conflict, you must start with yourself and be willing to drop all claims of blame on any other party. Yes, it’s true; sometimes someone else just “does something bad.”

However the blame game only results in isolation and a build up for future conflict. You will never master conflict if you resort to ascribing blame. If you do it, you will miss the power and advantage of your own growth. And that’s something you simply cannot afford to do.

Early In Life

Like we were taught early in life, it takes two to tango. So you must start with yourself, what your responsibility is, without any promise of vindication. It doesn’t sound like fun, but when you see the freedom it brings you to create new opportunities and to maximize your available resources…well, let’s just say it’s truly amazing. So let’s get some basics under our belt. Mastering conflict is not about rights, it’s about self-government. You must learn how to govern your responses, your tendencies, your perceptions and most importantly you must master the ability to create “a listening.”

Creating A Listening

Creating a listening is perhaps best explained with a brief trip back to the time of Gen. George S. Patton. His famous speech to the troops on June 5th, 1944 in England is a wonderful example of creating listening.

He created a listening that had his men believing, knowing that they would succeed…that they would do their duty. He told them why they were there and what they should focus on. He delivered a stirring tirade of lurid, four-letter language that only the brash Patton could sound into the hearts of men destined for war. If you haven’t seen George C. Scott’s rendition, it’s worth renting. The speech I’m referring to is sanitized for Hollywood, but you’ll get the idea!

Gen. Patton challenged those soldiers to their core yet consoled them with humor. He created in them the perfect container for the message he aimed to deposit into their consciousness. He created a listening. Don’t miss this feat…he both communicated a message and with that message created the space and desire to hear it and to retain it, to believe it and most importantly to act on it.

He told a group of men, many of whom would soon die cruel deaths, that they were noble, unified, and destined for greatness. He told them that they would be scared as everyone in battle was, but that they would respond as heroes, moving through their fears and doing their duty.

Patton’s speech was set in the context of war. It was very clear. It was totally authentic. It created trust in the hearts of his men, where only tension lay before. This was not something he did just once. As the war unfolded, he would do it time and again. Leaders at all levels create a listening and thereby turn tension to trust.

What To Do

You might be thinking, “why bother?” or “not me!” or “too hard!” But let me assure you, with the right leverage you can enter a realm of integration that will bring your dreams into reality at light speed.

Creating listening is the skill that transforms tension to trust. And when you operate in an environment of trust, your greatest strength aligns with your greatest opportunity….and WHAM - those dreams start coming true.

So how do you do it?

Here are some fundamentals that will point you in the right direction. (Note these are for one on one communication but can be easily adapted for a group setting.)

1. Acknowledge the tension in clear terms - Don’t try to play down the issues. If you resist and minimize that which is perceived by another to be serious, that will only make them more determined, more committed to their pain.

2. Take full responsibility for outcomes - Stop waiting for them! Stop waiting for them to do the right thing. Leaders don’t wait for others to do what’s needed. You should advance into the battlefield and list out what the measurable goals are. Turn those scared soldiers into heroes by presenting them with clear, measurable outcomes that you are fully committed to.

3. Ask the person with whom the doubt exists, “What would have to be different in order for your doubt to disappear?” Put them in charge of their own destiny…have them name the solution. But be ready to act! No bluffing allowed.

4. Going forward, give them a “priority comm link” – a way to gain your full attention without reprisal if they sense something is different than they expected.

5. As soon as possible, seek to achieve a small success with them in this regard and ask them to grade you. Take every opportunity to reaffirm them and support their request.

6. Continue to listen and ask them what is most important to them - reference it in your conversations with them.

7. Take the opportunity often to thank them for taking the risk. Acknowledge their commitment and trust.

8. Go to step 1!

Using these fundamentals along with a sincere, authentic desire to build or restore a strong relationship, you will create a listening that leads to trust. Remember that trust is given and cannot be demanded. You must act in these ways because you are convinced it is the best way…not because it will “make someone trust you.” Authenticity is the key. This is not artful manipulation. This must be genuine.

Turning tension to trust can bring your working life into a degree of unity and efficiency that stuns your competition and thrills your clients. In an increasingly bureaucratic and litigious society, those who can turn tension to trust will succeed where others fall short. People who work in and can create an environment of mutual trust will experience significant, sustainable success no matter what!

Here's to your success!

Eric J. Beck - Founder

Total Integration Executive Program & Productivity Suite